


I can never change

by PlantsWearPants



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Underage Drinking, but not really, donghyuck doesn't deserve this, donghyuck tries, donghyuck-centric, haechan-centric, kind of, there's like one paragraph about markhyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 15:25:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14547711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlantsWearPants/pseuds/PlantsWearPants
Summary: The sun is shining and he feels like today can be The Day so he comes back to his room and changes trying not to think that yesterday he was sure about that same thing. And the day before yesterday. And the week before. And even two months before. It never was The Day.





	I can never change

Donghyuck wakes up three hours after dismissing all of the alarms he'd set up the day before. He lies down in his bed for forty minutes more, scrolling through social media, watching instastories of people he wishes he was and he still believes he can be. Hard-working, productive, skinny, healthy, having self-discipline, friends, lovers. Being happy. It's almost 11 am when he gets up. So late, he thinks, even if it's Saturday and every normal high-school student sleeps in after a party or just an exhausting week. But was that a tiring week for Donghyuck?

The boy walks out of his room and goes to the kitchen. He ignores the thought of skipping breakfast and then maybe also not eating lunch and dinner and nothing ever again. He couldn't do that anyway, it's not like he never tried. Instead, he just chooses something healthy, makes porridge, adds a banana and goji berries he once bought while being especially motivated to change his lifestyle. It doesn't taste bad but it's not the best thing he's ever eaten. The sun is shining and he feels like today can be _the_ day so he comes back to his room and changes trying not to think that yesterday he was sure about that same thing. And the day before yesterday. And the week before. And even two months before. It never was _the_ day.

He washes his hair and wears clean clothes. He plays a kpop playlist out of the speakers. There are many cheerful songs on there and he skips the ones that aren't. He does yoga and starts cleaning his room. He loves to do it lately not sure why exactly. He vacuums carefully every bit of the room and tries to sing the song that's currently playing. When he's finished he sits down and opens his planner. He bought the cheapest one he found on the internet months ago because he read somewhere that making to-do lists helps and hopes that it'll help him too. It doesn't really. But he writes down everything anyway and then he just stares at it. His ugly handwriting on a yellowish piece of paper with today's date printed at the top of the page.

He feels tired and that makes him feel pathetic. He just cleaned his room why does he want to lie down and rest? He has so many things to do. He opens history book, reads one sentence but can't focus. Thoughts are too much. He doesn't even know what he's thinking about but it's too distracting so he gives up and lies down. He forgets about opened window so he's cold after a few minutes of lying down but ignores it. Motivation disappears completely but that's okay he says to himself. No one is motivated all the time, it's all about discipline. He opens youtube app and searches for videos he knows he's watched at least a hundred times already but he likes to pretend it helps him to get things done. He watches other people doing things he's supposed to be doing right now and it seems like he's not noticing how guilty it makes him feel.

Every day is the same. Every day he tries his best but does he really? He reads every tumblr post that is tagged as _motivation tips_ or is titled _how to be productive._ He subscribes to every channel on youtube that has to with lifestyle. He even makes a separate instagram account so he can follow people posting pictures of their perfect notes and boasting about studying for hours. And he realises it's all fake to some extent. That all those people are showing the best side of themselves and he tells himself that all of them sometimes feel hopeless too. They cry looking at the amount of work they have to do, they have mental breakdowns at midnight. Maybe just not as often as he does. But he is different. His grades are getting worse and worse every month and he just fails every time he tries and he never can do anything right.

Almost every day is the same. Because sometimes he wakes up already feeling worthless. He doesn't want to get up and doesn't feel the need to take care of himself. And it terrifies him how glad he feels when he doesn't feel hungry for a half of the day. He realises too soon that he's wasted so much time. That because of this loop of self-pity and laziness he's stuck in he's ruining his life with his own hands so why is he in despair now? It's all his fault anyway. And he can't do anything about that. The game's over, he failed, he won't achieve anything. He's just a waste of space now. No need to be alive anymore.

He's watching the fourth video in a row when Mark texts him asking if he wants to come over. His parents are out and there will be only their little group of friends he adds in a next text and Donghyuck for a moment thinks Mark knows. He knows why younger boy refused to show up at the party he threw a week ago after finding out that Mark's brother's friends would be there too. He knows that Hyuck is afraid of new people, that he doesn't know how to talk to strangers. Donghyuck is, in fact, afraid of people. He's afraid of everything, really, but people are especially scary. They're judging him and he's awkward and embarrassing and fat and annoying. And he tries his best not to think that his childhood friends hate him because of all of this. Strangers though, they hate him for sure. So he really wants to avoid them as much as possible.

At first, Donghyuck wanna respond with a generic excuse not to go. Because he just has so many things to do. But then he remembers that he didn't go to at least three last meetings they had and that it's not like he will get anything done that day anyway. He texts Mark that he'd be there and throws his phone on the pillow next to him. He looks at the ceiling and there's a voice in his head, his own voice, telling him that he's so stupid, asking him why is he like this, why is acting like the whole world is ending, like he's in the worse possible version of the universe when things are not that bad. Donghyuck is used to this voice and he's used to hearing insults and questions without knowing the answers.

He wears the first thing he finds in his wardrobe that is clean and doesn't need ironing. He also does his makeup not sure if is it because he needs more confidence or because he kind of like how his eyes look with eyeliner.

He doesn't realise how long he hasn't been at Mark's until he sees his friend's smile. He hugs the older and instantly feels better. He greets the others and sits down on the couch. No one is questioning why Donghyuck wasn't showing up for so long. Maybe all of them know. Maybe they can see through his walls and masks. Maybe they see how he's shaking inside, how awful he feels, how he fails at being a human. Or maybe they're just used to being close to him but not too close, hearing about his personal life but not too personal life. Either way, Donghyuck was glad.

He was happy to be around familiar faces again. Since they go to different classes (except Jeno who's in Donghyck's class) and even different schools he doesn't have many opportunities to talk to the others. He used to be the closest friends with Mark but lately, he's been distancing himself. He never was too open about his feelings even toward the oldest of the group but now they aren't texting as often as they used to, Donghyuck doesn't answer his calls but Mark is not mad and Donghyuck appreciates that a lot.

Sometimes when younger boy lies in bed late at night realising how bad he fucked up, how pathetic he is, how much he doesn't deserve anything he has, he wants to tell Mark. He wants to tell him every single thought he has, every insult he hears in his own head and every self-destructing idea he has in mind. He wants to tell him about every time he was imagining his own suicide. But then he remembers that he can't do that. He's too afraid of being judged by someone so precious to him. He's too afraid of feeling naked in front of Mark after reviling his dark thoughts. He'd be too afraid to look him in the eyes after telling him. So he always ends up talking to a random person on the internet hiding behind a made up nickname and always hearing the same advice from so many different people. And that makes him lose the only hope he has because it feels like he's already heard every advice there is. And he still hasn't changed anything.

The boys are sitting a little awkwardly before Mark puts a bottle of vodka on the table. After a few shots everyone is more relaxed. Loud music is playing and some of them are dancing. Donghyuck still feels too sober to let his anxious thoughts go away so he takes two shots on his own and after a while, he's in a happy place. He's dancing with Jeno to a song he'd never listen to if he wasn't tipsy enough. He sings loudly with Chenle and plays truth or dare and actually says the truth. And he takes another shot feeling the voice telling him how many calories there are in vodka go away.

After a while he finds himself laying on the floor next to Mark, tired from all the dancing and feeling a little sick from the drinking. He's gonna have a hangover the next day he thinks but he can't be, he has things to do he had to do today but he didn't. He's a failure. A failure. Failurefailurefailure. He feels dizzy, he doesn't want to be there anymore. He regrets coming. He regrets laughing so loud because he looked like an idiot, he regrets saying that joke because it was unfunny, he shouldn't have worn that shirt because he looks so fat and disgusting. He feels tears in his eyes. He's drunk he doesn't control himself so well. And Mark is there so close to him. He can tell him everything, He's not sober so it's so easy to talk, to rant, to vent, to ramble. But he just looks at him and seeing his smile makes wanna cry in the same way happy songs often make him the saddest.

Sometimes he wants to kiss Mark. He doesn't think he has a crush on him though. He used to imagine kissing Jeno and that one girl from Renjun's class. He doesn't want Mark. Nor Jeno nor that girl. He just wants the kiss. He had his first kiss on a party when he was too drunk to remember anything with a girl he wants to forget. So he pretends it didn't happen. He hasn't kissed anyone since then. He's lonely. Sometimes he imagines himself in a relationship but in his head everything is perfect, _he_ is perfect. In reality, he knows it'd never work out so he doesn't even try. Even if he really wouldn't mind kissing Mark. Maybe he wants something with Mark. Something close. Romantic or platonic it doesn't matter. He wants to hold his hand and spends his evening with him. But he doesn't want to take his shirt off or call him a boyfriend. He doesn't know what he wants nor what he feels anymore.

It's late or maybe early because it's almost 4 am when Donghyuck lies down on a couch. He's not sure if he wants to fall asleep even if everyone else in the room is sleeping. He's afraid of the next day. He regrets everything that happened and again he realises how ridiculous everything is. The way he feels the way he acts. He's not sure how much of his feelings are true and how much he imagines he feels. How much of it he just tells himself to feel. He understands that he's pathetic. That life is hard and he should accept it like every other human being yet here he is afraid of the consequences of breathing. He knows that nobody chooses what is happening to them but they can choose their attitude towards it. And Donghyuck chooses to always be pessimistic. To always look for the bad things.

He never noticed when it happened. When he started to feel like the biggest mistake God has ever made. Like disappointment, like trash, like a waste of space and oxygen. Because he is so fat and ugly and worthless and dumb and ungrateful and he's afraid of people and it's just absurd. All those little things at the same time feel so big. He hates himself so much. He can't stand himself but he can't just leave, pretend he's not there. Until he kills himself of course. But he's a coward too so he'll never do that. And maybe because he sometimes has hope that keeps him alive. And he has Mark. But he doesn't deserve him.

And he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he needs help or maybe all of it is just in his head and it's not real. All of his problems so easy to overcome. He acts like a child but feels like children don't deserve to feel.

He closes his eyes and fights the urge to throw up. And can't help but hopes he won't wake up the next day.

 

 

 


End file.
